Ways to get rid of a date

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the server, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms stretched,and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very will in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great diety, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

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